Ramblings from an 18 year old Rose...
"Beloved, I will keep you by my power alone."
That verse from the song "Times" is the main theme God's weaving into my life.
Growing up in a big family there was one sister in particular who I looked up to.
She was the the one who pushed me in my walk with Christ and out of my comfort zone. But as she moved away I saw her drift further and further from what she had taught me. She went from encouraging me in my faith to judging me for it. And that broke me in alot of ways. Because she was my big sister. And if she, my mentor, could lose her faith how much easier would it be for me to lose my faith. I began constantly, and by constantly I mean almost every minute of every day, questioned whether I was doing, thinking or even feeling the right thing, the thing that God wanted from me.
That anxiety continued to build up in me until it became such a normal part of my life that I didn't realize it wasn't supposed to be there. It was as if I was hanging off a cliff, clawing at the dirt for all I was worth, just trying to hold on. I became angry and frustrated, at myself and at God. Because he was supposed to be a God of love. And I wasn't feeling loved, I felt worn down, burnt out, aching from the effort of trying to hold on to my faith. I had no idea what I was doing wrong. Family issues and an addiction began the process of opening my eyes up to how I could never be enough on my own.
So where was God's help? I found a book (on my sister's kindle strangely enough) written by a woman who struggled with similar things as me. God used it to show me how this weight of trying to be good enough for him wasn't what he wanted. He knew I couldn't be good enough. That's why he had to send his son. He wanted me to trust that Christ had already been good enough. That he is good enough to use all my mess whether I let him or not. That he is good enough to show his love to me whether or not I'm looking for it. That he is good enough to keep pursuing me whether or not I want him to.
More days then not I teeter dangerously close to the edge of that cliff in a effort to earn God's love. But he has met me there every.single.time. reminding me through crazy friends, apologizes, nieces and nephews, quite times, meltdowns, wildflowers that I'm beloved and I am kept by his power alone.
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