I AM RACIST AND SO, WHITE PERSON, ARE YOU

I AM RACIST AND SO, WHITE PERSON, ARE YOU


But We Don't Have to Stay That Way 




Love Letter For My Sister

Alright. 
Before we dive into this SUPER fun topic let me start with the fact that you are being made new every day. You're not going to be allowed to stay where you're at in your racism. You are beloved. For the first time -practically ever- I'm not being sarcastic. You are so beloved. I don't know who you are (hi Mom!), but that doesn't matter. 
I need you to know it and believe it before we continue. Because this is not actually fun. It's actually really shitty. If you don't believe beloved this could be dangerous. Don't get stuck. Please.
Right now we're part of the problem, but we don't have to stay that way. 

How did this whole thing come about? 

I had one sentence in my head. I had to face my racism.

Sitting cross-legged on my bed I put on a random Spotify playlist. ("Sum Me Up" case you're curious. Which of course you are, my life is fascinating. I get it.) This playlist was not made thinking, "ok so someday I'm gonna write about my racism, hm...wonder what songs I'm gonna want playing."  It was on shuffle cause I'm too cheap to buy premium. Broke studio art student for tha WIN! 

I chose to include the songs because they are a vital part of my story. That is what this is, my story. It's not a piece I wrote to try to get a point across. It's essentially a love letter for my sister. Not to, for. 

That being written (and said, cause I talk out loud when I write, and sing...off key...and make random facial expressions, I'm fine! stop staring and get back to writing your screenplay hipster..gosh..)

Here we go! 

Uncomfortable. We need to learn to be uncomfortable. Wanna know something that's all kinds of uncomfortable? Facing my own racist tendencies and inclinations. 
They've been ingrained in me (and us all) from generation upon generation of wicked sin.
That's repetitive, but we've become numb to what sin is, it's wicked. I'm not talking the wonderful Broadway musical here. 

I don't like seeing that I can be wicked. Not my favorite cup of tea. I much prefer the quirky, I wouldn't hurt a spider, artsy-fartsy persona. The spider's just doing its job guys. Sheesh. 

It's humbling. I don't like being humbled. Even more so though I don't want to hurt my sister. Guys, my sister. She's black. The person that I care about most. 
-Yes, I am crying hipster. If you're uncomfortable with public crying then you're not gonna make it in the theatre realm. Just sayin'. -
My younger sister. Whose wellbeing I've always felt responsible for. Even when I haven't wanted that responsibility. 

Not facing these things head-on though will leave her more hurt in the end, more sunken. I don't want her in that place. I want her out. 

Here goes. Head-on. Ready? Well that was a rhetorical question so, too bad. 

In case you haven't caught on colorblind doesn't cut it, kid. Colorblind is an ignorant (if well-meaning) way of repressing the uncomfortable. 
Been there, done that. For the majority of my life. 
But y'all, we miss out on SO MUCH when we blur color. God made color to be CLEAR and distinct and crisp. He made different tones with all their underlying hues. He's the frikin MASTER Artist! 
I know from experience how hard it is to paint skin tone...guys, it's tough stuff. It must be so frustrating to have your viewers, your children, choose to glance over it cause they're too afraid. Too afraid to admit the ways they've twisted your colors. I mean for God's sake! (ha.ha. for God's sake...ha.ha. don't worry I'm leaving now.) 



Yes, I KNOW. That wasn't technically a pun. What are you the pun police?? sheesh!! 

Jon Foreman's, "All of God's Children" just came on, I think He agrees!!! PSH. Who am I trying to please? I know He agrees! 

When the things that you can't hold on to

Are the things that you wish you could

Are you really ready to pay for love

If it costs you everything?

All of God's children

Shining underneath

I believe in a world that's beyond me

I believe in a world I ain't seen

Past the glass, and shotgun shacks

Violent faceless racist facts

I believe in a world that's made clean

Underneath these wars
Underneath these walls
Underneath the bullet holesI
I still don't know who we are
It's shining underneath
Oh I've been waiting for love to give birth
New life to show pain its worth
I've been waiting for peace on Earth
Likea newborn child
Oh like a newborn child
Shining underneath

Is there a well that won't run empty?

Is there a friend that can't be bought?

You'll find them when you're thirsty

Learn the lesson that can't be taught

All of God's children

Shining underneath

We were created in different colors and we grew up with different backgrounds and God has called us all GOOD. 

                                                                   By: Laura Dreyer ❤

We're not gonna change to the same color when Jesus comes back (COME Lord Jesus). GOD! Can you imagine how sad and just plain BORING that'd be? In order to fully appreciate that though we (preaching to myself here) have to sort through the shit. The dangerous shit. Don't underestimate that shit. I've seen the consequences. 

I am racist. 

That is not my identity. 

My identity is in Christ. 

My identity rests in the fact

that he has seen my stains 

and still chooses to call me            Beloved. 

No day in my life has past, 

That hasn't proved me guilty 

Oh Blessed Jesus, 

May we find a covert in thy wounds 

Though our sins, they rise to meet us, 

How they fall next to the merits of you

2. Oh, all in me calls for this 

It calls for my rejection 

This heavy unrighteousness, 

Oh is there no protection?

Bridge: My best services are rags, my best deeds are filthy. 

3. Grant me hear thy shoring voice, 

That in thy wounds is pardon 

Grant me see thy willing choice 

To make my hard heart softened

Keep the broken-hearted sure, 

Clinging to thy cross, our cure.

Oh goodness y'all. The holy spirit is here. 

Grant me see thy willing choice to make my hard heart soften. My hard heart. Mine. His willing choice. His. Chills. 

God's grace is the only cure for this poison that we've drunk from birth.

Sure in my ultimate pardon. In the already.
That does not free me of consequences in the here and now however. In the not yet. 

Oh gosh. When I started that sentence Porter's Gate's, "Father Let Your Kingdom Come" came on. 

Lord. What even? Why are you so good? I just said I'm a racist. Why?

May the words from my mouth, (or in this case my little thumbs tapping on Evernote's keyboard) Speak your peace. In places, we don't choose. HA! You make all things new. Mmmmm... 

Hallelu, hallelujah, 

Father, let Your kingdom come. (repeat) 

VERSE 1: 

May the works of my hands bring You joy. 

VERSE 2: 

May the words from my mouth speak Your peace. 

BRIDGE: 

In places we don’t choose 

You make all things new

Racist:

"a person who shows or feels discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or who believes that a particular race is superior to another."

I am racist in that I stand tall on a unfathomably large pile of lynched, shot, enslaved men and women and I tune out their cries for justice. Stick those earbuds in.
According to the sentiment of three women who I admire greatly: I have Kumbiyad over the ground where these peoples' (my own brothers and sisters) blood cries out. 
Cries out for retribution. Even after death. 
They are Abel, I am Cain.

I may SAY of course I believe that one race isn't superior to another and may even believe that I believe that. However. My actions show differently. Rather, my lack of action.

-A PSA just came on about how you have to drive slowly so as not to kill people. Hey Lord!?!? Unfair. I drive safe!! ...Ish. (Shut up Karis)

Sorry, couldn't help it. But also. I ain't sorry. -

"Something's Gotta Give" by All Time Low... Guess we're done with the inspired songs..oh wait, shoot. 

I don't even know myself

I wish I could be someone else

But I don't have a clue at all

Oh, yeah

Someone please come pull me out

From the shadow of my doubt

Wake me up

I'm falling

Oh

Wake me up

Say enough is enough

I'm dying to live

Something's gotta give

Oh

Pull me out

Of this sinking town

Can't lie, I never expected to hear God from an angsty pop-punk band. Don't get me wrong I love em. But...Well.. Huh. I really appreciate you Lord. Like, sincerely. Deep appreciation. 

Wake me up. Say enough is enough. I'm dying to live. Something's gotta give. Y'all. What?? Is??? Life???

Continuing on in order to wake up. 

When Michael (Brown) died five years ago did I weep? Well yes. But that wasn't my gut reaction. Granted I was young and had no clue what was going on except what people told me. 
Michael had been shot because he was a threat. The people were hurt because they were violent. The dogs came because they were a necessary safety precaution. The policeman was right. The black man was wrong. 

And I know that I've been broken since the first time

That my mother put my foot in the shoe

For the first time in such a long time, I need you

My darling, you make me strong

You make me all the things I wanna be before you're gone

And I know that I've been broken since the first time

That my father put me down on the floor

For the first time in such a long time, I need more

I've been broken since the first time my father put me down on the floor.

Coughs. Clears throat. Speaks. Man? Really? 




Man? 18 yr old scared out of his mind kid. 
How would you respond if you're 18 year old got shot? How would the media respond? Depending on whether you're black or white you answered that question very differently. Also. Fun fact. My little sister who I still consider a baby is 18. So you better shut your damn mouth. .I believe better of you. Which is why I'm telling you to shut your DAMN mouth. 
I listened to a sermon by my brother mourning the loss. He lived in St.Louis for a long while. While washing dishes, running my hands through the suds and listening to the sermon I knew that something was deeply off about what I had been told. That's when I wept.

Barefoot on stage, I'm singing praises to my Lord
Can no laces tie me down? With naked feet I bless the ground

Ha, after the song about being "broken since I put my foot in a shoe" there's a song about bare feet and holy ground. Barefeet? I'm in! Currently, I have a badly sliced toe because of bare feet. But still, I'm in! I've been broken since my father put me down on the floor. My father has been broken since his foot was put in a shoe. But we are called to take those shoes off and just dance on holy ground. 

A year or so later I sat at a gas station with my older sister. This sister is white. She was ranting frustration about more black boys being shot and I was listening, not quite believing. There's gotta be more to the story right? Right? This world cannot be so full of shit? But. BUT. Why would it be a better story if the police were in the right? Isn't it more awful to believe these boys did something so wrong to the point where they quote on quote deserved to be shot? 

How is there a better story? There is no better (spoken with bitterness). 

Lover of my soul, how you always know

What is best for me

I have asked to change my circumstance

My life is plunging down, I don't stand a chance

Even in the dark, still you light the path

Even in this trance, you hold me in your hands

Forgiveness is a pathway with a thousand bolted doors

I cross another threshold, and I find there are still more

And the question has no answer and the wounds are bruised and sore

Where else will I go?

Lover of my soul

Lover of my soul, how you always know

What is best for me

I slowly woke up. I forgot about it though. I went back to sleep. 
Because I could afford to. Because MY safety was not in question. Because MY race is superior.
No duh.



I stole this picture from Pinterest. I feel zero guilt.

'I've been staring at the edge of the water

'Long as I can remember, never really knowing why

I wish I could be the perfect daughter

But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try

Every turn I take, every trail I track

Every path I make, every road leads back

To the place I know, where I can not go, where I long to be

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me

And no one knows, how far it goes

If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me

One day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go

I know everybody on this island, seems so happy on this island

Everything is by design

I know everybody on this island has a role on this island

So maybe I can roll with mine

I can lead with pride, I can make us strong

I'll be satisfied if I play along

But the voice inside sings a different song

What is wrong with me?

One day I'll know, how far I'll go"

God using Disney is actually a fairly common occurrence in my life. No surprises there. I mean have you seen Finding Nemo? Cars? Up? Come on now. 

Blogspot isn't gonna let me go much farther and I don't want to lose all of my work (again). 
So end of part 1. Part 2 coming soon...
Stick with me, ok? Stares you down across the coffee shop table. 
I have an intense stare. You better keep goin'.
It'll be worth it, promise. 

Also, thanks for sticking with me through this. You're beloved. 
But for realz though. 
When I say for realz, ya know I'm being serious.