A Letter from 17 Year old Rose to a Waverly...
Where to start? I guess I'll go back about a year to when I first read a book that changed how I think about me and God. The book was Trees Tall as Mountains, a collection of blog posts by Rachel Rae. She's a mom of 3 in her late 20s who writes about her struggles with depression and anxiety and how our God's been there for her. And even while I can't relate to her life I relate some to what she struggles with. Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything but I've realized how much I deal with anxiety. I just thought of it as overthinking before. It creeps up on me when I feel okay in my own skin and tells me I really should be doing something else, thinking something else, saying something else or feeling something else. As if there was one right way to do things! Rachel talks about how her anxiety, her need for perfection, to keep it all together wears her out. It's the same for me. I have this little monster that tells me constantly I'm a screw up, irredeemable, that I'm doing everything wrong. And it leaves me exhausted, wound up, crying in the bathroom without having an explanation for my puffy, red eyes.
But God hasn't left me here alone. He's constantly shown his love for me though wild flowers on the highway, music, snuggles with my little munchkins, a giant double rainbow, my brother's sermons, the stars, and especially friends who stick by me and love on me even in my imperfection. Like you! God's uses all those things to remind me when I'm drowning in my thoughts that though I might not see it now he loves me. And that frees me. Maybe that's what I was struggling for, God's love. But he tells me it's already mine and no matter what I think, say, or do it won't change. I can't mess it up, which is a huge relief! The God of the universe loves me! I think I'll make it :)
As Rachel puts it "...I think that the answer is no. I'm not good enough. I never will be. I'm not good enough for my own tyrannical mind, I'm not even good enough for the shining standard that I seek to be. (like God) But this is not the point. In my Christian faith there are words like redemption. In redemption, every sad thing is brought to beauty and joy. Every slip up has sparkly grace mixed in with it. This word has nothing to do with good enough. The whole point is that we are not good enough, and that a true Man had to be good enough for us...The point is that we are told to take our eyes off our belly buttons and be filled with a different kind of motivation. Not to be good enough. But to craft a life of love. A life where God always has the opportunity to bust through the clouds with the answer for the day, to be THE MAN!"
"Not shrill, not exasperated, but more like a humming, a thrumming, a whirring, like the wing beats of a thousand birds. They all shout yes yes! You are loved you are loved! The earth beneath your feet is humming with it, whispering: Beloved. Lay your head down. Let it swell up and over you. Be loved. This is the biggest truth, the greatest truth: The Maker, The Life King, He loves you. Climb into it. Don't hide cringing in the corner, walk out and let it find you. The days are like a long line ahead of you and in them is the capacity for a great stomping, chummy, heart-easing, devastating love that you must open yourself up to. It is your life work" -Rachel.
I hope all this helps you understand where I'm coming from a little better...I'm riddled with insecurities. Insecurities that tell be to keep this to myself, no being vulnerable! But I've got a God who's bigger than my weaknesses, who's given me friends that I can trust with my quirks :)
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