Rambles from a 18 year old Rose...
There's a bitterness so far back in my mind that I don't see it often, but it's there lying static. On one hand I don't think it's growing, though on the other I don't want it there at all. I don't want it to affect my decisions and how I interact with the people in my life. My anxiety, (as I call it because I don't know what else to call it) my need to have it all together is not healthy. I've always wanted to have something to struggle with so I can seem heroic in the middle of my struggle. That desire has caused me to think of my anxiety as fine, because I get to be the romantic sufferget without doing any harm to others. I get to have something interesting to tell others, something to set me apart or make people look at me with respect. Like a kid with cancer. That's so messed up. I think that ignoring my need for help is one way to play out that desire while also trying not to affect other people with it in a negative way. But it does affect others. Because it makes me want to compare myself to them. And because I have these insecurities it's not enough for me to admire those person's strengths I have to question my own. Which in turn makes me want to find someway that I'm better at then them, or it just makes me want to resent them. Like --- . There's a bitterness that I have because I was this awkward, ugly girl while she was pretty and everyone liked her. And even now. Which makes me question what does she have that I don't? Why do guys flock around her and ignore me? I don't like to write this down because it's just the tiny really shallow, bitter, 5 year old side of me who I would prefer not to see the light of day. But I think it might be better for this entry (entry, really?) to be completely honest even when it makes me look bad. I know that --- has so many other strengths other that being hot. I know that because I know her.
On second thought that isn't a good example of what I mean at all. These thoughts are pretty normal for people with annoyingly hot friends. lol. This doesn't show the extreme level of my anxiety. That has more to do with my insecurities then my anxiety. Which are separate things even though they feed off of each other.
Suffice it to say, I have value. I need to accept that. For myself and for the people in my life. I have value that does not come from how many guys notice me, from being smart, from not cussing, or from knowing what my value doesn't come from. My value doesn't even come from knowing where my value comes from and living in light of that. Because my value comes from the God who not only made me but loves me. The God who will pursue me even after I've given up on myself. Even if others give up on me. I want to know him more.
Comments
Post a Comment