Ramblings from a 17 year old Rose...
I'm not sure how to write about this but I'm gonna try. I feel as if I'm missing something, as if I should really be doing, thinking, feeling, or saying something else. And that puts a weight on me; it makes me feel as if I'm screwing up my life. I feel as if everything I do is being judged. It makes me feel as if I'm separated from God. Because how could God let me go through this? I'm so tired of it! I don't know how to get rid of it. How can I feel whole? I'm restless, irritated, dissatisfied. Is there something that's standing between God and me? Is that why I'm dealing with this? I don't know what to do,think,feel or say. But praise be to God... who I know will bring me through this, who hasn't abandoned me in my mess. The mess of insecurity. God's grace is sufficient for me. He loves me. Even when I feel as if I'm a mess, when I'm bloated from too much sugar and not enough water, he loves me. When I feel guilty because I can't see his love for me, he's still there helping me up, over and through my emotions. And because he loves me I can be kind to myself, I can put aside the chains of guilt that I drag along with me. I can put aside my high expectations, my picture of how I should be and remember that God has me here for a reason. I'm not a mistake, I'm a child of a God whose love for me is outside of my control. And when I finally let go of all that junk I find freedom. A freedom that allows me to show kindness to myself and those around me. A freedom that allows me to follow God because I'm not worrying about the pictures in my head that try telling me what a daughter, little sister, big sister, sister-in-law, aunt, friend, artist, teenager, or christian should look like. The only example I'm called to follow is Christ's. I'm not saying I'll get a "What would Jesus Do?" bracelet. But he is the only person I need to care about pleasing ultimately. And hopefully in pleasing him I'll help my family and friends too. Following God is my life's work, he has plans for me I just need to trust that. If I follow him he will mold me into the daughter, little sister, big sister, aunt, friend, artist and Christian that I'm meant to be. It might not be what I expect but it will be what he predestined. Ooo big word :) His path for me is not full of anxiety and insecurity it's full of love and peace. And hippies? I've already seen glimpses of this, it's just hard to remember sometimes when you have to hang out in your head. But there's a big world out there.
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