- Written several years ago, yet still not done *shrug*
Everpresent.
Seeping through the floorboards
Flooding my eardrums
At the same time like a siren light flashing
fail-ure fail-ure fail-ure
fingers curling and uncurling to the beat
The noose tightens round my neck
not because I'm suicidal
don't misunderstand me
that's just how it feels
Like red marks left on my throat
after a seemingly slight conversation
Apathy emgulfs me
safe in it's suffocation
Cobra's lullaby
so maybe not so safe
but familiar
Inevitable
makes it easier to hide
so twisted up in who I am is this uncertainty
like my hair in the morning
all tangled up in my identity
Do you see it? Do you see it? Do you see it?
question pounding against the walls of my mind
FAILURE written across my forehead in bold sharpie lines
That proclamation making it's way over and over and over my stomach and
then across my arms down to my thigh
Infecting me, ever part of me
ordered in its disorder
glimpse of blue highlighter at the ankle
where the pant leg almost but not quite meets the sock
around and around and around I spin
Like a penny let loose by a skilled hand
and I'm spinning and drowning and suffocating,
spinning and dieing and hiding
spinning and spinning and spinning
Beloved stop.
Solid grip on my shoulders
slows my shaking
vision begins clearing
Stop. Just stop.
You are not a failure.
I'm not a failure I'm not a failure I'm not a failure
do you see it do you see it do you see it
No, no I don't.
because beloved it is not there.
It is a figment of your brains insecurity
I'm not saying you don't trust me
no
no beloved
don't for a second think that this fear comes from a lack of anything in you.
that will only fuel it
this fear comes from the falsehoods that has pervaded the world's view
Telling you that you are somehow not in my good graces
Beloved, my grace is always good.
You ask,
Are you good enough for me?
No.
and yes
If you coming through my door was dependent on some fight to reach high standards
you would be out in the cold like that other
homeless man you neglected on my porch stoop as you fumbled over him to get up the stairs.
But beloved,
it's not
I loved you before you knew what it was to fail.
And I loved you after too.
Because yes you fail me.
you deny homeless men their humanity
But I don't.
I don't fail you.
I send a piece of me to be defeated for a time
a day, a day, a day
But like you started saying to yourself that one time accidentally
This is not the end.
That piece of me is somehow also my son
and yes he was defeated for a time
experienced an endingsijsnsn
But then I flipped failure on it's head and called him by his own name, defeated.
Cause Rose, my son rose up again from the clutches of that colbra
whose had it's head smashed in
smattering of blood
And I win
Why?
Because beloved I love you.
And when I see you caught captive to the inner workings of your head
I can remind you that
my name was written across your crown far before you saw failure there in bold
and my name is bolder still
your name was carved into my right hand before defeat like an army of black ants burrowed it's way into your skin
and my cavern never caves in
My son took your shame
and gave you his own name, Beloved.
Beloved.
Be loved.
What
But the water is high and cacophony loud
and it's drowning my voice out.
Beloved remember
This moment, this moment is not the end.
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