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" This tip he spoke would inform me what the next man wanted me to be."
I want to rid myself of the desire to play a character for men. I don't mean that to be a, "I will take back my power kind of statement" it's simply the reality of what my life looks like now and what I want my life to look like in the future. Not only for men either, but for people in general.
It is so easy to slip into a character, the bubbly girl who laughs a lot, the intense girl who cares way too much, the shy one who doesn't talk, the kind one who will never say a negative thing about anyone. It's so easy because being someone who has multiple qualities and ways of expressing themselves, who has contradictions running through them is hard, especially for a people pleaser like me. It's hard being vulnerable. I want to be what people want of me. I don't want to have bruises or abnormalities. But that is not always who I am. I am not going to please everyone. Someone is going to find my annoying (most likely more than one) someone will think my opinions are stupid, someone will think my lack of opinions is stupid, people are not going to like me. Some guys are not going to like me, some may even hate me, I am not going to be what they want. I will not say, think, dress, do what is wanted of me. I will not be wanted. That was hard to type out.
But that's ok. It is not my role to be wanted. I am not made to complete another person, I am not made to fill that void. I am not made to stop up someone's black hole. I am not capable of that. I have my own black hole to stop up. -question, what happens when two black holes come in contact? Do black holes have different amounts of strength?- Am I who God wants me to be? Or do I become who God wants me to be? You could argue that being who God wants me to be is just trying to please another person. Except God while fully man he is also fully God. A God who created me. God is the only one who knows who I am. I am not pretending to be something I'm not to please him (though sometimes I try). He calls me his beloved just as I am. His beloved in whom he is well pleased.
So I think my answer is, I am who God wants me to be in this moment. When I try to play a character, when I allow my fear of not being wanted to cloud my judgment, it casts a cloud over everything that God is growing in me. It stunts my growth.
I have had so many people pull at me, trying to tear back the shroud that I protect myself with. There are people who want me. Or at least who think they want me. There are people who want to love me no matter what ugliness comes out, no matter what weird stuff they encounter, no matter if they find there are parts of me they don't particularly want to deal with, no matter how seriously I take myself.
And also...it's okay to take myself seriously. I am allowed to take myself seriously. Does that mean I have to do it all the time? God, I hope not! I get sick of myself too easily for that. But sometimes, sometimes the things I have to say are serious. I have a tendency to think I cannot say them, because who wants that person? Who wants that woman?
Sometimes the things are light and pretty...and sometimes they are clumsy and awkward..
Am I too introspective? Do I think about me to much? I think it's valuable sometimes.
Usually parts of me are found in other people too. And sometimes identifying those parts helps others identify those things in them. That's how it's been for me anyway. And seeing other people live in the light of who they are is inspiring...
Seeing a light shine on the things God has been growing in them since their creation feels like beauty, like sunshine, like freedom. We are all reflections of God. Of God's character, that's what he is making us to be, anyhow. That's what we were made to be.
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