Found this from a year or so ago and
though this doesn't fully reflect where I am right now, still good.
You always marry the wrong person
I stole that line from someone older.
But what about before you're married?
What does that truth mean to you then?
Maybe to let grace in.
Let grace into your life early.
Take the steps as they come.
Don't worry.
Because what is there to worry about?
That the longing inside your head for someone to love will go to waste?
How can it?
You have a God who can use your love to love so many.
But that's not the same.
No, it's not.
But different is not a negative thing.
What if you can love with just Christ walking at your side?
Isn't he supposed to be the only God of your life?
You have slipped up, slid down that slope leading to lesser loves than he can provide.
Are you worried that no love from man can satisfy the fantasy you have built up?
It can't.
Not when you have made it out to be an idol in your life.
Do you worry that your love for Christ will dwendel if you allow a man to take you as his wife?
Do you worry that man will become God in your eyes?
You do.
You long for man's acceptance yet you fear it will lead to God's rejection.
Cannot he give you all good things?
But what if you should walk alone.
Will not he tarry at your side?
Can you bring another person into the picture without it losing its intimacy?
Can you love Christ while falling for a broken man?
I'm not sure I can.
It seems too fallen, too much in disarray.
Does it scare you?
Absolutely.
Why?
Because it is a deep thing made at the beginning of time that two shall become one flesh but since than it has been made to be no more than the swipe of a phone or the longing for a guy to look your way and a twinge of satisfaction when they do. It has fallen. It is no longer what it was meant to be, I am no longer who I was meant to be.
And I know God has redeemed all things. But I feel as if I have gone on too long kneeling for value at the altar of man's approval, longing for it to make me whole and holy. When it will do no such thing. I know there is something that I am missing. Something that I have only born witness too in other people's lives, other people's loves.
Something deeper that seems a little like God's kingdom come.
I want to step out of my role of prophetess bareing witness to things holy and feeling their value in my soul while thinking that maybe that may be my only part in it. To share stories I have seen but never known.
Because the only thing I have experienced for myself is the brokenness. The idol thoughts. The mislead hopes. The living fantasy. I have felt the deepness of the brokenness, without any of the sweetness of redemption. And I think that's what shakes me. I know what it is to live your life for someone who is not your God, and it sucks. Even now.
Do you know what will free you from this?
No. No Lord I don't. Pray?
Ok.
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