I AM RACIST AND SO, WHITE PERSON, ARE YOU

Vulnerability.

Oof. Breathe in but mostly breathe out. This one is hard. With my skill at being vulnerable being put into rigorous practice these past several months the idea of what it even means to be vulnerable has been very much on my mind. Also. I have been exhausted. At times. 

I think most see being vulnerable as my natural state, as if it comes like magic to me, completely without effort or tole. Well, lemme tell ya, that is simply not the case. Being vulnerable? It sucks sometimes. I have struggled- oof even typing these words makes me feel far too exposed- with thinking that I do not deserve to take up space. That I do not deserve to be seen. I am not important. I am next to nothing. People would be fine if I went away and did not come back. Part of that comes from a healthy understanding of my smallness compared to the vastness of eternity. Part of that comes from knowing the reality of people's ability to adjust to new life circumstances. A lot of that though, of course, comes from a place of deep rooted insecurity. An insecure place that I believe we all posses whether or not we're willing to own up to it. Whether or not we're willing to be vulnerable about said place. 
         So when I'm being vulnerable? There is a constant war inside of whether or not people even care. Why does my hurt or joy matter when others have experienced the same or even more? Why does my story matter? It's like the idea of post-modernism, no idea is new so all you can do is reproduce what has already been done and really there is no original voice or your story or your struggles or your insecurities or your dreams. There is NO SPACE for you to take up space. 

         As a women I think that feeling is probably felt more keenly. Because in reality, in some places there is no space for us. There has not been made a space for us. There has been spaces where we have been kicked out.  We have been ignored, neglected, belittled. Thankful for a savior that makes space for the least of these, I am indeed.

       Anyway, back to vulnerability. It's honestly, work. If it is true vulnerability you are letting yourself be seen, the good, the bad, the ugly. And sometimes? People don't like what they see. Sometimes people don't understand what they see. Sometimes, they take the little bit they have seen of you and paint a whole picture that is not you at all. A fantasy of you, for better of for worse. Where you are either the saint or the villain with no in-between, no space for nuance.  

     Another point on vulnerability? There are many types for me. I almost guarantee for ever thing I am sharing with you there are about hundred things I am not sharing. I am like an ogre one might say ;) an onion, a cake. I have layers. When I am being vulnerable? Unless it is in a close relationship I am almost definitely using it intentionally as a tool to create a safe space where you feel welcome to be vulnerable with me. I am not asking you to carry the burden of what I am telling you. Please please please don't take that on. 
Unless you are truly close to me and have proven yourself to be trustworthy. Just the fact that I am being vulnerable with you? That does not by any means mean I trust you. It's not personal, I just actually take time to trust people. I am in fact human, not Giselle from Enchanted, though we do both have the red hair and bird friends.  Being vulnerable is my way of loving you. But I do not trust all the people I love. That's simply the reality we live in. I may seem naïve and reckless in what I am willing to share. However I almost guarantee you it is very calculated. I will almost never share something that I have not already thought through many times over.  

Anywho...I have more thoughts...but that's a good start, a good first layer :)